The start of a new year always finds me contemplative...it's like a fresh sheet of paper, and I wonder and plan for what's going to fill it. I also reflect on the one previous, I ask myself, "Did my last year count for anything eternal?" My boys are another year older, and time only seems to go by faster- did their mommy treasure it enough?
I have come to realize that no matter how hard I try the previous year, I am still left in reflection, yearning for more as my heart permeates in a mixture of awe and sorrow at life. I am once again reminded of how precious these days are and that they are fleeting. And I cannot call them into perfection like I long to do. I make my idealistic lists and goals, and I reflect on the year I lived that will forever be history. I found myself longing this year for something undefinable as I remembered the year past. It was almost like I bid 2016 good-bye with a swift kick in the rear, bidding it to leave and welcoming better times in 2017. I sat before the Lord and laid out my humaness before him, all of my "not enough." I cry tears because of the road he has called us to walk, and that it has affected every part of our lives. It is a road easier than what He has called many others to walk, and there is so much blessing even in the struggle. Our lives are a sticky mess of love and crazy, laughter and anger, a lot of "not enough"...and hearts that love each other so much that they sometimes overflow with all the anger a fierce love can bring. This is who we are. Less than perfect.
I somehow think that one day I will get to the end of a year and be able to pat myself on the back and say, "Job well done, Liz!" But do any of us feel that way when we look deep within? I am not talking about self-loathing or a depressive line of thought...but does anyone else ever look around wonder what the heck happened? Do any of us have things perfect, things we wouldn't change, or am I the only one that doesn't live a pinterest perfect life? What do we do when we live with less-than-ideal situations, hurts that are deep and unrelenting, or things out of our control? Do any of us feel like we pressed hard enough into Christ' presence on a daily basis and pursued Him like it was our single focus? The older I get, the more I think that "not enough" is a chronic human condition that persists no matter how we strive to sparkle and shine on the outside.
I come up empty on these points not to show that I am a failure, or that any of us are really...but because left to my own measuring stick...I will always fail. I realize that in my perfectionist tendencies, I keep reaching for some deep-down satisfaction I could posses if only I had a magic wand to fix a few things. But this year, I want it to be different...
I think that the places where dreams fall empty is the very place God is asking me to offer up surrender to Him. The prayers I have been praying...still praying...the hopes in my heart, the wounds in the deep places where the Lord sees into- my failures and all the "not enough" moments I have as a wife and mother, friend and loved one...those I will give to God. He will hold all my humanness with a sacred love that only a Savior could posses.
I sit and grieve over a Lyme diagnosis for my children, but God sees His glory. I want to see with His eyes instead of wishing for something different. Though these days are hard, I know that God has a purpose in all of it. Today, as I was sitting and reflecting, submitting all my bossy commands to God on how He could "fix" things for me...I heard Him ask me what I thought He wanted my boys to learn in this season, through this "less-than-ideal" situation. He asked me to sit down and get comfortable in the "not enough" and look to Him for the treasure past what I thought would satiate me. Instead of seeing all that we did not have in this season of sickness and struggle, He wants me to see what He is chiseling into us...Him. We can be filled with Him. He is our enough. In all the ways that our current situation is not what I ever planned on it being...in all the ways that Lyme has creeped into our life and scrambled our plans....I can lay down my "not enough" and let Him re-write our story.
At some point I will write a little about my boy's symptoms they have had...even so, their journey with Lyme is their own to share someday. I will say that they are strong, and this road has made my mommy heart raw watching their hearts grow through trial. So I wrote down these lessons for them....the ones that I will see as a blessing that God is giving, instead of seeing it as a curse. So, here I will write what my heart longs for...and I what I believe God has entrusted our family with. It does not look flashy...it feels very broken. It is easy to write, and harder to live. But instead of being busy "fixing" I want to work on relinquishing to God control...letting Him be all our "enough."
Dear Eli, Wyatt and Ben...this is what your Mama longs for you to know and learn well in this season that God has us in.
1. God is in the good, and God is in the bad. He has not left us, though we walk through trouble. Never let the evil of this world skew your perspective of God. We can never answer the "why's" of life; the deep searing pain of losses you have not yet suffered will cause you to doubt the understanding and justice of it all someday. But when life makes no sense and the troubles of this world seem unbearable, remember the God you serve. He longs not for spirituality that set us on the heights for people to adore- but he longs for us to fight for what He fights for..."to loose the chains of injustice and untie the chords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free...share your food with the hungry and provide the poor wanderer with shelter- when you see the naked, clothe him, and do not turn away from your own flesh and blood...and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard...then you will call and the LORD will answer, you will cry for help and he will say: Here I am." Isaiah 58:6-9 (abbreviated) He sees the needy and He fights for them, even if you cannot perceive it from your current perspective.
2. Our satisfaction does not rest upon earthly comforts and joys. It is unseen, eternal and can be obtained even in impossible struggle and pain. It is in these seasons that the miracle of Christ in us can shine the brightest- in the dark places. Earthly comforts are a blessing, but the times when God calls us to walk amidst suffering is the time that He longs for a deeper planting to take root. It's in these times that we remember there is a finish line unseen by human eyes.
3. God has a purpose for you TODAY - whether it finds you in the storm, in the glorious sun or somewhere in between. His ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts are beyond ours. THIS IS THE DAY THAT THE LORD HAS MADE, let us REJOICE and be GLAD in it. He is the ancient of days and the end of the story will always tell of Gods boundless love for you.
4. Don't ever be too high to stoop to the needy and don't shy away at the ugly. Strive to see with the Saviors eyes, and judge others by that standard alone. We rarely know the entire story with a single glance.
5. Be exactly who God created you to be- when you are alone or in a crowd. Times of trouble can often find you in quiet places, times of aloneness. It is in these places that strength of character is forged. Turn to Christ for filling , instead of rushing around seeking from others what only Jesus can give. Build strong and true relationships, yes. This is God's beautiful gift to us. But when He calls you to stand alone, stand strong. He is always by your side.
6. Pray. Pray often, pray hard. Don't ever be a stranger to prayer. Pray when you don't want to, when you think it's pointless, when you are angry, sad, numb..when it feels like they bounce against a wall and echo in a silent room, straight back to a cold heart. Pray. Press on. This is the battle, precious one. It's not the one I ever imagined fighting, but this is the very heart of the battle. This is when it matters most. You will not perceive when the ice begins to thaw, but mercy upon mercy, one day you will realize that light has broken forth. You will have pursued Christ in the darkness and words -pleas for help- were found upon your lips, beckoning to the Holy One. There is no greater fullness than the presence of Christ...like Hagar in the wilderness to now "see the One who sees me." Don't lose courage. Pray, precious child.
7. And lastly...this season has taught you how to see the hurting. The physical pain you go through, the sickness you have had to face, will make you less afraid when peer into the eyes of the broken. Some things cannot be explained, so God calls us to walk through them, to live it, breathe it, become it - never to be wasted, for out of the comfort the Lord has given you, so you must comfort others. What can be viewed as a trial is actually sacred wisdom if you turn loose your heart to the Great Shepherd.
"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which CHRIST JESUS took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in
Christ Jesus."
Philippians 3:12-14
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