Nov 3, 2016
So, our treatment starts in less than a week. It is Gods precious kindness to us…a
miracle. I should be excited and
absolutely silence-struck with how all this has come together. And I am, in a quiet and deep way, like the
quiet of deep waters. But in my heart, I
am conflicted. Because this is where it
gets real- where I either sink or swim.
I am terrified. All
these months I have held out hope for treatment, knowing it was the best chance
of having our family back and having hope back.
Now we go through treatment and it either works...or it doesn’t. My heart cannot take any more ache, my body
cannot process any more trauma. My brain
refuses to work, yet I will be in charge of my many pills, treatment protocol,
and trying to hold it all together.
I cannot imagine feeling the way I do on my “bad days” for
six weeks. Or even most days of those
six weeks. I am terrified that I won’t
be able to function, and I long to hold on to control- hold on to my pride of
being able to do things my way, by myself.
On my bad days, I am incapable of doing much except surviving until I
wake up a new day. I feel like we are in
a prison with chains others cannot see, but they hold us taut every single day
and affect every single aspect of our lives.
Our diet, our energy, our ability, our finances, our fellowship, our
daily schedule and it constantly struggles for dominance over our
attitude. These waves feel like they
will swallow me whole. Every day I fight
an invisible battle that I cannot possibly put into words for anyone else to
understand. The shadows are too dark and
too vague to outline- they overlap each other until they are not individual
shadows, but one big ominous sky overhead.
I struggle to let God’s light shine…he holds my hand and walks me
through the dark, but he does not part the clouds and overcome the
shadows. They remain. He tells me to walk on. I cry and tell him I can’t. He can’t possibly expect me to. And yet I live another day- His sun rises on
a new morning with new mercies…and I am still here.
So I walk, praising my creator as the
storm presses on.
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